Bikram Vohra (for Info only, not official)

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Bikram Vohra

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    ...Spare keys are never found, they are a myth, a salesman’s gimmick. So what any sensible husband does is ask his wife. This asking is usually done through the thick bathroom door because that is where wives invariably are when you need their help. Have you seen the car keys, i am running late. Can’t hear you, i am in the shower. The car keys, i need them, you had them last. Did you say car keys? No, i said, golf tees. YES. In my bag (Unsaid part: where else would they be, you silly little man). Those three words put men squarely in the dock. Women’s handbags are like a mix of the Bermuda triangle and the Mariana trench. And since wives by nature do not terminate their showers for a mere key husbands are left to dive deep into this abyss and begin a search that makes the Holy Grail saga a romp in the park. ...

    TOI on Nov. 28, 2017, 2 a.m.

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    ...I just called my granddaughter Naya, Bats, in a ‘love you Bats’ message which is not likely to kindle much love for nana. But now it has gotten worse by getting better. You can now eliminate messages on all sides, all those remarks that went to the wrong people when you were engaging in multiple conversations followed by those silly and feeble apologies – sorry, disregard, not meant for you and no, no, no not the least bit about you. Except that it is worse. ...

    TOI on Nov. 14, 2017, 2 a.m.

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    ...So here you are checking into this 5 star hotel for a king’s ransom per day breakfast included and escorted to your room by this guy who is better dressed than you are and he is more unctuous than Uriah Heep and you know you have to tip him heavy or else and now you are travel weary and decide to freshen up. The bath has all those gadgets like it’s been borrowed from Virgin Galactic and there is that huge inverted abyss of a rain shower glowering at you like it was going to suck you in (beam me up, Scotty) and now you are under its torrent and thinking mmmmm, worth the king’s ransom and then you pick up the soap and rub and there is no lather. And that is because the soap is encased in transparent plastic film and you try to get it off but it defies your puny efforts so finally you rip it into slippery little shreds with your mouth and you know the soap is lemongrass or sandalwood or herbal as it slides away into the swirling waters at your feet and the sachet of shampoo you so liberally poured on your head has gotten into your eyes. ...

    TOI on Oct. 31, 2017, 2 a.m.

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    ...Usually the kickstart is that i have been referred to by a common friend. And i wonder sometimes who this buddy is who thinks i am the perfect conduit for funnelling funds of such proportion. I am the sort of guy who spends most of his time begging his two ends to talk to each other, please, pretty please, at least say hello and shake hands, and you will not see my photograph on Facebook sitting in an airport business class lounge with bubbly in my hand, not because i am shy but because i am travelling economy on a low budget carrier. ...

    TOI on Oct. 17, 2017, 2 a.m.

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    ...What’s bad for you? Everything. We are told that bread (the staff of life), salt (of the earth and worth it), sugar (hi honey) and milk (of human kindness) are foisted upon us by a gigantic conspiracy of the pharmaceutical industry, the egg and dairy industry and the meat and poultry mafias in conjunction with government connivance so that it is a win-win for all … except the consumer who is designated to keel over and become a statistic. We are all going to die. Right. There is no running away from that solitary reaper. And food is a happy element in our lives. But we are being so easily robbed of that joy. We are not stupid. Just as we know that smoking is bad for us we also know that processed meats cannot be good. We also know through sheer logic that taking in marbled red meats and oil soaked fast foods will supersize us. ...

    TOI on Oct. 7, 2017, 2 a.m.

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    ...Since this genuine b-romance is clearly working i thought i would give it a shot. So when my wife and daughters were out of the house i went in and began to fondle the hot water faucet. Love you, buttercup, i said, my voice breaking with emotion and desire brimming over the edges, i sit in office and long to be near you, i wait all day to caress your sleek lines. The faucet remained unmoved. I burst into song. Where do you go to, my lovely, when you are alone in your tub, what are the thoughts that surround you when you go rub a rub rub? The shower head gurgled. As it so often happens when husbands think their wives are out but are actually at home my wife entered this heartwarming scene and poured cold water on my amour. ‘I know you are old,’ she said with a curl of her lip, “but i did not know you have become senile, what on earth are you doing?’ Line ‘maroing’ the shower spout, i said, i am serenading it, and giving it a sensual massage. ...

    TOI on Oct. 3, 2017, 2 a.m.

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    ...Since we men have no such dilemma having to wrestle with three vaguely similar suits this dilemma leaves us baffled. At this point the wife wails, I have nothing to wear, nothing to wear being a mandatory mantra which any self-respecting woman will abide by. As civilisation moves onwards ‘man’ kind will one day have the courage to say something flip and clever like oh, in that case we can’t have you going as Lady Godiva, let’s just stay home and watch the telly. But since we are very far from that point, men fall into the trap. ...

    TOI on Sept. 19, 2017, 2 a.m.

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    ...Everyone lies and no one really cares what is being said, only how you say it. The candidate looks like he has been through a washing machine, all slick and shiny and nervous as anything and he makes incandescent statements like, may I come in, Sir and thank you for seeing me, Sir may I sit down, Sir… What do you think that chair is for? Then come the same questions that are now threadbare with overuse. Where do you see yourself in ten years? (Say what, I don’t know where I see myself for dinner tonight, forget a decade and I am sitting here in front of you hunting for a job, what’s with this future perfect thing?) How do you see yourself fitting into the company? (I don’t have a clue tell me what you want me to say and I’ll say it, just give me the job.) Why did you choose us? (Because you advertised your vacancies, you silly fellow, that’s why, bills to pay, a man has to survive, you are my CV’s 38th destination.) Are you a team player? ...

    TOI on Sept. 5, 2017, 2 a.m.